Man, these contests come and go faster than a fugitive on the freeway! It’s the seventh of the month once again, which means it is time for:
- Announcing the winner-type person for last month
- Announcing this month’s contest prompt
- Swingin’ low and lazy for a month, at which point the process repeats itself in a perpetual cycle of contests and contesting
Time, then, to reveal last month’s winner:
It is Kam “the Zoologist” Sripada, an expert in the field of, uh … extraneuzoology? Anyway, le response:
Fantasticus bonanzus belongs to the Camelidae family and is closely related to the Vicugna pacos, commonly known as the alpaca. However, Fantasticus bonanzus, or “Fantie” as the species has rapidly become known, has several important distinguishing features.
Most notably, its chest comes equipped with a spigot that produces piping hot espresso.
Next, it wears a whirly hat. You know, with the spinner thing.
Otherwise it’s just like an alpaca.
As we send our congrats to Kam, it is time once again to give the rest of y’all your chance to win an incomprehensibly exciting free t-shirt of your very own! The prompt, ladies and gents:
Deep within the dark dank caverns of cryptic Connecticut, scientists have discovered the rarest of rare elements: Fantastic Bonanzium! As one of the leading scholars on this amazing new element, you must inform the world of its awesome characteristics as you see fit — anything from its atomic weight to its numerous domestic and industrial applications would do. Get describin’, scientist!
Man, two months in a row of scientists discovering things. Don’t worry, we’ll engage in some variation in four weeks’ time. What’s important, though, is that you not forget to include your email in the appropriate field so’s we can contact you if you win. You know how it is!
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TIME FOR REDEMPTION! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Fantastic Bonanzium, like moss, grows on the northern side of trees. But unlike moss, it is sold as a hallucinogenic drug, and when consumed, makes men grow tails. Its use is considered illegal and extremely dangerous.
But dude, you should like, totally try it.
Seeing as this site seems to employ a persistant anti-sliced bread bias (fantastic envy?), I have decided to try a new strategy to winning.
Fantastic Bonanzium is the polar opposite of sliced bread–it is not in any way sliced or bread.
In terms of elemental cohesion it is one of the strongest ever found–no methods have been ascertained as of yet as to how it could possibly be sliced in any fashion. This is a result of strange bonds made by the molecules of Fantastic Bonanzium to other like molecules, meaning as far as scientists can tell, chunks of fantastic bonanzium can only grow, since once two molecules of it join they are joined forever. This could also have some touching metaphorical connotations to the “Fantastic Bonanza” t-shirt business.
In terms of edibility it is quite unlike bread–in fact, it has several curious properties. For one, it has been scientifically proven that the element is impossible to digest, being completely cohesive and impervious to stomach acid. For another thing, jam and butter both do not stick to Fantastic Bonanzium, but rather mysteriously slide off. This fact could also be employed for good metaphorical purpose to describe Fantastic Bonanza shirts, but is regretably non entirely true, as I proved accidentally at breakfast one day.
GOOD EVENING WORLD! It gives me great pleasure to introduce to you an amazingly rare, brand new element! It is thought to have been created in 1752 when Ben Franklin was flying a kite in a thunderstorm when he tripped over an acidic sea turtle. The kite carried a lightning bolt down to the turtle shocking it leaving it with an unusual gooey trail. This trail is where the element was found in a cavern, most likely the home of the acidic sea turtle, in Connecticut. This new element is to be known as, “Fantastic Bonanzium” and it has two known uses. If injected into a human the user has the ability to shoot laser beams out of their eyes. This can be used for national defense or to burn images of eyes into T-shirts, which seems to be a growing trend in design. Also the element if mixed with water makes a dye that is such a neon green that if applied to cloth the wearer is often blinded by the brightness of the shirt. Obviously, this element is not to be made available to the general public however the uses will be displayed on the internet within 48 hours. Thank you and please do not try to replicate this element at home, even though it’s freakin’ awesome.
Fantastic Bonanzium
Atomic Symbol: Fantasticbonanzium
Fantastic Bonanzium is so fantastic its symbol is not limited to a paltry two characters. That’s for lame elements, like barium, or lameium.
Atomic Number: 0
Fantastic Bonanzium actually has no protons and no electrons, thus keeping it completely neutral. As such, it has trouble forming compounds. Instances of the Fantastic Bonanzium element are formed when neutrons manage to arrange themselves into one of several stable arrangements, termed, “awesome shapes”. Known examples include syn-di-elevated-digitas, commonly known as “devil horns”, nippon-pyro-saurus-(alpha), a.k.a. “Godzilla”, and more are constantly being discovered.
These neutrons are held together by the fifth fundamental force, the Superglue Force.
History:
Fantastic Bonanzium was discovered in 1206 by Genghis Khan, but the Illuminati had kept it a secret until its rediscovery in 2007 by the Bonanziers. Though the powerful organization has tried to suppress this discovery, nothing will stop them from spreading the truth to the public.
Applications:
The potential of Fantastic Bonanzium is nearly limitless, though practical implementations of it are still in early development. The unique nature of its chargeless nucleus basically lets you do whatever the hell you want, as long as it contains enough awesomeness to maintain structural integrity.
Most items constructed with Fantastic Bonanzium consist of a single macromolecule. For example, a bazooka that fires ice-cream, consists of a single molecule: Fantasticbonanzium_104678952. Attempts to bond another atom at the Fermilab particle accelerator succeeded in creating Fantasticbonanzium_104678953; unfortunately, this assumed the shape of your face. This resulting molecule lacked all kinds of awesome, so it collapsed quickly.